the method
You’re not doing therapy. You’re not diagnosing anyone. You’re being the person who noticed and didn’t drop it. That’s the entire job.
have you got time?
Don’t start this with four minutes left in a car park. If he does open up, you need to still be there in twenty minutes.
can he leave?
Somewhere he can end the conversation and walk away. A car is the one place he can’t — good for eye contact, bad for escape.
are you alright yourself?
You don’t have to be brilliant. But if you’re barely holding on, this can wait a day, and that’s not a failure.
1
The car. A walk. The washing up. On a controller, mid-game, not looking at each other. Eye contact across a table is an interrogation. Shoulder to shoulder is where men have always talked, and it isn’t a coincidence.
if you can’t get side by side
Do it on the phone. A voice note beats a text and loses to a walk. Whatever you do, don’t do it in a group.
2
Three-quarters of the time we ask it backwards — “you haven’t been feeling down, have you?” The sentence is already carrying the answer. Turn it round: “how are you doing with all this?” Or skip the question and say what you’ve actually noticed: “You’ve been off the group chat about three weeks. What’s going on?”
if he turns it into a joke
Laugh. Then ask again, flat. The joke is the deflection working, and he’s watching to see whether you take it.
3
Don’t repeat yourself — repeating sounds like you didn’t hear. Change the angle. “Yeah, but how are you actually?” · “I’ve got nowhere to be, if there’s a longer version.”
if he says he doesn’t want to talk
Stop. Say “fair enough — I’m not going anywhere,” and leave it. Twice, not ten times. Then do move six. Being stubborn means coming back another day, not carrying on tonight.
4
Don’t fill the gap. Let him take his time. It will feel much longer than it is, and that silence is where the real answer gets decided.
if he changes the subject
Let him. You can come back. Changing the subject isn’t a no, it’s a not-yet — and forcing it now costs you the second conversation.
5
Resist advice. Resist “have you tried”. Resist your own story about that time you felt similar. “What would make this week a bit less shit?” · “I’ll ring them, you just turn up.”
if he says nothing would help
That’s information, not a dead end. Don’t push it. Offer the smallest concrete thing you can actually do — a lift, a phone call, turning up on Saturday — and let him decline it.
6
One conversation is a moment. Two is a relationship, and the second tells him the first wasn’t politeness. “Still thinking about what you said. No reply needed.”
if he doesn’t reply
No reply is not a no. Send another one next Tuesday. This is the move with the best evidence behind it of anything on this page — brief, repeated contact from someone who isn’t a professional.
side by side. ask it openly. ask again. shut up. offer one thing. come back tuesday.
Ask him straight out. “Are you thinking about killing yourself?” It sounds like the last thing you should say and it’s the most useful. Evidence shows asking someone directly if they’re suicidal can protect them — it does not put the idea there. That’s Samaritans’ own wording, and believing the myth is what keeps people silent.
if he’s in immediate danger
999. Don’t leave him alone and don’t make it your secret.
if it’s urgent but not immediate
NHS 111, then option 2 — the NHS urgent mental health line, any age, 24 hours, and you can ring it about him. Stay with him. If there’s something in the house he’s told you he’d use, ask if you can take it with you — that one act has better evidence behind it than almost anything else a friend can do.
if it isn’t urgent
His GP can be told this in one sentence. Papyrus HOPELINE247 — 0300 102 2470 will talk to you about him, 24 hours. And then move six: come back Tuesday.
Offer to sit with him while he rings, or ring them yourself — Samaritans, CALM and HOPELINE247 will all talk to you about someone you’re worried about. You’re allowed to be out of your depth. Being out of your depth and staying is still the right thing.